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Friday, December 24, 2010

I Forgot Christmas

In the back of my mind I knew that Christmas was this week. I knew that Jacob would be spending Christmas in the hospital.

Then the days started to blend into one another. I feel a bit like a caged animal spending my days in this hospital room. I haven't been outside or breathed in fresh air since Monday morning. I feel like I am in another world. I see parents walking the halls with tears in their eyes. I see little children with bald heads and IV lines trailing behind them and I smile a comforting smile to their parents, while trying to hold back tears because this is my child's future. I wheel my little boy to x-ray in a wheelchair with tubes sticking out of him and I see other people smiling that smile to me. I am that parent that others pity.

When we first arrived here I was looking at the dry erase board in our room and thought it was funny that the nurses had to write down the day and the date. Who forgets what day it is?! Then on Wednesday I couldn't remember if it was Tuesday or Friday (turns out it was neither). I couldn't remember how many days I had been here at the hospital. It all turned into a blur.

And I forgot Christmas. Yesterday someone wished me a good Christmas Eve eve and it was only then that I realized Christmas was just two days away. This morning I had forgotten again, until my husband called me to see if he should still attempt to come to the hospital with the kids for Christmas Eve. Oh, yeah, Christmas is tomorrow. There is no magical feeling in the air. No excitement or wonderment. Right now my life is basic survival, somewhat physically (trying to get sleep in the hospital or finding nourishing food in the cafeteria that doesn't cost an arm and a leg is almost impossible) but more mentally. I await the pathology reports (which probably will not come in until next week) and try not to take it personally when my son gets mad with me because of everything he has been through this week. I try not to let my mind wander to the dark side of things, because I just can't handle that.

And yet, while I am not in the Christmas spirit I have things to be thankful for. I'm thankful that Jacob got through surgery okay. I'm thankful that he is recovering well and isn't in a whole lot of pain. I'm thankful that my husband is taking good care of the other kids and that they are getting along well without me. I'm thankful for my mom who was able to spend a few nights in the hospital with Jacob and I and for my dad who is watching my younger siblings so that my mom can be at the hospital and also helping my younger sister care for our animals. I am thankful for all our friends, family, and neighbors that have stepped in and helped out so much. I'm thankful for the strangers that have poured their love and prayers upon us. I'm thankful for the doctors and nurses that care for my child and can still make him laugh when he is in pain. I'm thankful to see how good people really are, when before I had lost a lot of faith in humanity.

Today was a better day. Jacob is eating more. He walked to the playroom and sat down and played with me for awhile and only had to push his medicine button once. His x-ray showed that the air bubbles in his chest are decreasing so he will probably not need another chest tube, though the one he has in will stay in for a few more days on suction, hopefully getting rid of the bubbles completely. We will be in the hospital for several more days, I think.

So while I remember that today is Friday, December 24th (okay, I actually had to look at the board to remind myself it is a Friday) I want to wish you all a Merry Christmas. You have all been a huge support for me and I thank you all for your prayers for Jacob.


  1. Merry Christmas. You are basically a stranger to me, and yet I want you to know that I paused during our own family celebration just to check to see if you had posted anything. I think that I would feel in some ways very alone in your situation, even though you are surrounded by people. I wish I had words of comfort, but all I know is that God continues to be in control and love us always. Even in times like you are experiencing now. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  2. Merry Christmas, Beth. I hope you can all be together for Christmas and Jacob continues to improve and you get some good news:) Would still like to come see you, if nothing else to give you a hug:)

  3. We are praying for you here in Elkton, MD. I don't know you, either, but I did win a contest that you hosted over the summer, and you sent me a copy of a book. My oldest little guy is also 5, and thinking about what you are going through is just ripping my heart out. I'm so glad that you can reflect on what you are thankful for, and I hope that your other kids can have a good Christmas tomorrow. Many prayers for you!!!!!!!!

  4. Found your blog through another - just want you to know that I am praying for Jacob. I am praying for God's healing Hand to be upon that sweet boy and praying for peace and comfort for all of you! Our God is the Healer and He is the GOd of miracles!

    Merry Christmas - may the sweet spirit of our Lord minister to your hearts.

  5. Merry Christmas, Elizabeth. Praying that your entire family finds hope and peace this Christmas. Enjoy the love of your family. We are praying for Jacob. He and you are never far from my mind.

  6. Elizabeth... God bless you. My heart aches to see you going through all of this. It is especially hard this time of year on too of it. It's so understandable to lose track of days and time in the hospital. Especially when you are the one sitting at his side.I'm still praying and will continue to. Father God I ask that you wrap your loving arms around this family. May they see this Christmas day that Jesus is the reason we celebrate. May they be blessed in a very special way. In Jesus Name... Amen Hugs and blessings...
    aka eggfarmgirl from MJF

  7. Blessings to you & your family and Merry Christmas. Prayers continue to flow for your family!

  8. I found your blog through one of MckMama's tweets, and I am so sorry to hear of what you are going through. I have a little boy who is 2 1/2, and we went through a very scary month in the hospital a year ago. I understand that feeling of your world being turned upside down, and of the days all blurring together. It's so important to get some fresh air, even just for a few minutes. I am praying for you, and thinking of you during this difficult time.

  9. I an praying for you, your sweet boy, and your family. May the Lord give you strength and peace, and healing for your little guy.

    I hope he can enjoy some Christmas moments today.

    Merry Christmas!

  10. We are thinking of your family today. We hope that on December 25 2011 you will be enjoying Christmas as a healthy family together at home. Until then we send you strength and positivity from Niagara Falls, Canada
    Ann and family

  11. Elizabeth:

    I am in constant prayer for your family. When I think of you or Jacob throughout my day, I pause and pray for all of you.

    I wish you a miracle for this Christmas season.

    Martha C.

  12. Elizabeth & family,

    I did some trading with your Mom in the years past & have been reading her blog & posts on FB. We all want you to know how many are praying for Jacob during this difficult time. However, it is more important to remind you that God has not and will not forsake you. He is there 24/7! Let HIM carry you through each day. Matthew 6:8: Your Father knows the things you have need of before you ask Him.

    May you feel His presence and peace not only today on Christmas Day but every moment in the coming days. (hugs)

  13. Flesher family, Matthew, Amy, Little Matt, DaLaney, Emma & Rachel wish you a Merry Christmas, you all are not far from our thoughts and constant prayers. We hope you all had some time together today, and pray for you all to be together at home soon. So pleased to hear Jacob is able to be up and about, and is improving. Merry Christmas, may God bless you and comfort you all.

  14. Like so many others, I am a stranger, yet you and your family will now be in my prayers. Of course, you give us all a reminder of how quickly life can change - sometimes for the good, sometimes not, yet frequently out of our control. I hope good news is forthcoming about Jacob's prognosis. And I wish you strength during this difficult time.



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